These past few days have been interesting for me. I’ve run head-on into things that scare me: commitment to a person I used to know/love very well who I no longer know as well and don’t really trust as much. Commitment? Waiting? Pausing? Who knows….

The entire house has gone ballistic. I’m stressed about this thing and my documentary (will talk about this in more detail later). My grandfather has been in the hospital for months with multiple issues, mostly cancer and replacing a heart valve… so pretty big issues. My mother has been so stressed about it that she’s been whipping back and forth between mania, dissociation, and breaking down… also attacking all of us with her might, perhaps to get all the stress out. It sucks. Since he’s in France and my grandmother has told her not to come visit, she doesn’t know what to do or how to help besides constantly calling and trying to Facetime them from New York.

I’ve been feeling a similar way about everything. I’m in a situation in which I need to move and I’ve been seeing someone who isn’t really available and hasn’t been making himself available. My documentary is on hiatus and I need more money and none of the multiple other jobs I’ve applied to have responded to my applications. I’ve been thinking of joining FlexJobs again, but last time that was a huge waste of time and money. I’m assuming that may be the case again and it will just add unnecessary stress.

I will take Phenibut tomorrow to help me deal with this and I’m afraid I will become dependent on the supplement due to everything it does for me. I need to remind myself that I am in a very stressful situation and that helping me get through that, which is triggering severe depression and anxiety, is fine. It’s okay to help myself. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to talk about it. So basically, as usual, thanks to everything going on with certain family members (my mom and I), everyone else is affected. It’s like a hive mind. We’re all such empathetic creatures. How could we not sense each other’s stress?

My parents and I tried to watch the newest episode of The 100 together last night in order to de-stress, but my dad at the time was more stressed than all of us and kept berating me for deleting Netflix whenever it would buffer (it’s not even on Netflix, but okay) to the point that I left and stayed at a friend’s place after having a mental breakdown in the car.

It’s not fun. It’s not fun to become angry… angry at finances, at missed opportunities, at feeling stuck when you should be driving across the country with Mandy, Mike, Graham, Skylar, Lisa, Becca, and whoever else. I’m sorry, you guys. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to push myself to finish editing my work. I’m sorry I don’t know how to fundraise at all. I’m sorry that I look inwards instead of outwards and I’m so accustomed to blaming myself when the cause of my stress is clearly someone else.

I just so wanted to trust another person and go for something I thought felt right. Now I just feel like shit… So I’m angry.

In English class this morning, we had a lesson on feelings. My student and I discussed what we do when we are “happy/sad/angry/etc” and when we got to angry, neither of us could come up with an answer. My student probably didn’t know the answer (or the question) in English, but neither did I. Sad was easy: we cry. Happy was easy: we smile! Angry was a different animal. The course material said “I look this way [frown].”

Well, we probably have to do more than that. Emotions need to be released. It’s not healthy to keep them trapped in our minds, in our hearts. Otherwise it will manifest into something toxic that builds up over time. I’ve seen it in my family. I’ve seen it in my own life. I’ve seen it in my friends and I’m seeing it here.

What do we do when we’re angry?

Some people punch things. Some people shout or throw stuff.
I like to go skiing. Sometimes I run, but I don’t like doing that very much. I hike. I climb mountains. I sing, dance, and blast some hard-hitting music that can’t make you feel anything but powerful. I create art when I’m angry.

I plan things with my friends. I drive. I travel. I ruminate…. and then sometimes I cry. I vent to my friends. I sit on the edges of buildings, cliffs, the mountains that I had worked so hard to climb, to feel adrenaline pulsing through my veins, or wherever it pulses through. I like adrenaline.
As I type this, I’m listening to the frogs cheep. It is dusk in the summer, my favorite time of day. I am drinking turmeric tea. I am calm. That’s because I write when I’m angry. This is my most appropriate way to release that emotion.

What do you do when you feel angry?

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Feature Photo Credit: Klockonian