For Those Who Made My Heart Turn Gold

This is for the terrible beautiful confused people who didn’t know how to tell me they were sorry when they ripped my heart into shreds. This is for the dog we found in my cousin’s backyard, fell in love with, and named Friday after the day we found him. This is for the man I gave my virginity to who proclaimed his love to me in six stanzas while I held tears back looking up at the stars on a porch swing to the scent of pecans. This is for the stranger who asked me if I was okay when I thought I was fine that one day and the other stranger I met in a train station who helped me rediscover my six-year-old, book loving self. This is for the friends who would knock on my door unannounced to take me out to a beautiful waterfall they found just a few minutes beforehand and that young girl I talked out of killing herself on the phone for five hours who would do the same for me seven years later. This is for you.

I love you. I love you so incredibly much that it hurts and I love you so much even if I haven’t spoken to you in a decade. You are insane and incredible and the very foundation that I stand on. You are the reason I write these words and the reason that I stay up all night for hours wondering where you are or what you were thinking when you wrote those words on your arms and hung from that rope.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to live in a vicious, self-obsessed world. Thank you for writing me letters, making me magnets, and singing me to sleep over the phone at 5am. Thank you for re-teaching me how to love when I had forgotten. Thank you for being there when I lost my soul and when I got it back again and for letting me cry on your shoulder for no reason other than that my brain was telling me to be sad.

Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering why we haven’t kept in touch or why we keep in touch more than we should, why you haven’t returned my calls or why you live in another country when I need you right here. But you belong where you belong and I belong here and whether we hate each other and whether we’ll never see each other again, you will always live in my heart. I wish, more than anything in the world that we could all be together someday – everyone that has ever touched my heart and made part of it gold – but we all know that this will never ever happen anywhere other than the confines of my dreams.

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